Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1

Posted by on Aug 3, 2017 in Astrology, Healing & Transformation, Magical Experiences, Relationships, Spiritual Practices | 2 comments

Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

Even though the Gemini New Moon was on May 25th, I held off on writing this post. It took longer than usual for me to integrate the experiences of this lunation. Every time I sat down to write, I just felt…this is shit. This isn’t even scratching the surface. And then, once I did dive deeper, I encountered a different hurdle: the idea of speaking what came through me had me shaking in my boots. But that’s how I knew I’d arrived at a deeper truth. As time went on, and the date of the Cancer New Moon passed, I began to see that the themes of the two posts were intertwined, and so needed to be written as one piece, split into two parts. These two posts don’t fully fit inside the structure that I’ve set up for this blog series, but I still want to share how keenly the letters I wrote to myself at Samhain apply to what I’m going through now, so I’ve decided to include the contents of each letter, as usual.


Gemini Theme Song

Tango to Evora by Loreena McKennit



Gemini Found Poem


Wake Up Call

Wise light
about her head
She of sight
did pray with glee.
Her sister, clad in blue
cast off her skin,
and welcomed immortality.
Divine knight of the forest wild
clad in modest guise,
his eyes did shine
to hear her voice
pour out over mountains, raging sea
the perfect, wretched world.
The sisters gave him
patience to tell his grief
a salve by which to ease his pain
and light him from within.


Gemini Soul Card Message

Gemini Lunation: Walking With My Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

Cloaked woman stands with her hands over her yoni, making the sign of the chalice. Birth canal, entrance to the Mysteries. Two more hands hold a blue/purple egg of possibility. This is a fully formed potential that can be called in. Beat the ground. Bring it down. Another pair of hands are held up, palms open. Give it away.


Gemini Allies

Whale – Record Keeper

“Whale medicine people are coded in their DNA to understand that sound frequencies can bring up records in the memories of ancient knowledge…able to tap into the universal mind of Great Spirit, and have no idea how or why they know what they know. Only later, when they receive confirmation, do they begin to understand how they know or why they received the impressions…Whale signals a time of finding your origins, of seeing your overall destiny as coded in your DNA, and of finding the sounds that will release those records…” ~Jamie Sams & David Carson, Medicine Cards

Baba Yaga – Wild Woman

“I walk in the forest
and speak intimately with the animals
I dance barefoot in the rain
without any clothes
I travel on pathways
that I make myself
and in ways that suit me
my instincts are alive and razor sharp
my intuition and sense of smell are keen
I freely express my vitality
my sheer exuberant joyfulness
to please myself
because it is natural
it is what needs to be
I am the wild joyous life force
come and meet me.
From “The Goddess Oracle” by Amy Sophia Marashinsky


Gemini Integration:


Walking with my Inner Beloved


Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1


On March 31st of this year, my Venus Return cycle began, which includes my 40th birthday next March. Venus Returns happen every 8 years, but the one that occurs at age 40 comes the closest to returning to the exact position Venus was in at a person’s birth. To mark this transition, I signed up to take a class through Venus Alchemy to ceremonially engage the Aries Wild Woman archetype within me and participate ceremonially in a re-enactment of Inanna’s descent and ascent over the next 18 months. I am on a journey of discovery, learning how to embody the wild woman, trusting the ways in which she wants to show up in the world, through me.

Gemini Lunation: Walking With my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

As part of my Venus Return, I’ve been reading Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype by Clarissa Pinkola Estes. Rocking. My. Fucking. World. I have found something in every story that resonates for me, but when I got to the one called, “The Red Shoes” on page 232, I was floored. It was about being so soul-starved that as soon as you get even a little bit of freedom, you go to excess. In this case, the girl nearly danced herself to death, no longer able to control her own body. Over the last few months, I have given a lot of thought to what happened at the retreat in March, and this story brought so much into perspective for me.

After two years of navigating a “dark night of the soul,” I made the decision to be courageous, to put myself “out there,” open to new experiences, and show up for the life that I want to manifest. Instead, I ended up embarrassing myself, making a public display of proving that I don’t have my shit together nearly as much as I thought, and adding fuel to the fire of doubt that my inner critic has been burning me with for years: that when the rubber hits the road, I can’t hack life in the fast lane.


As much as I love the rush of aliveness and joy I feel when I am swept up in “the flow,” I often avoid that feeling because when I start to go too fast, I feel out of control. When I open myself and my light gets bigger, my dark side gets bigger, too.


I’ve kept a lid on my inner Wild Woman for so long that as soon as I opened up even a little bit, I exploded, and everything came out. Then it was, as Pinkola Estes writes, like trying “to put 10 lbs of muck back into a 5 lb bag.” I couldn’t do it. One of the women there said, “You seem to be in a lot of pain. Have you considered doing shadow work?” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because sometimes it feels like my whole life has been nothing but shadow work.


What happened at the retreat was so disturbing to me because I thought I had come so far. I thought I had healed enough, done enough work that I didn’t need these kinds of experiences to rattle my cage anymore. Glimpses of light in my life fooled me into thinking that I had arrived, or was close to arriving at a destination where I was done doing that deep work.


In my natal chart, Gemini is on the cusp of my 7th house, which is all about close bonds, intimate partnerships. And Gemini is a trickster, represented by the Fool card in the Tarot. There is a part of me that so wants to be perfect in my relationships with others. To be seen as wise, loving, kind, brave, responsible. And yet, I so often show up as the fool, naïve and tripping over myself. This does serve me, in a way. Each time I fall on my face and choose to keep showing up anyway, I grow stronger in my sense of self. And each time, I strip away a bit more of my egoic need to be seen in a certain way by others.


In the weeks that followed, I adopted my “fuck it” attitude towards the whole thing. I tried to keep this attitude light-hearted, as in, “That’s life. What’s done is done. I can’t change it now, so all I can do is accept it, learn from it, and then choose again.” But, I will admit, there were times when my “fuck it” attitude became twisted with negativity, as in, “Fine, I don’t need anyone! I’ll just hide in the dark and glare at anyone who tries to come close to me!”


So often, I take steps that I think are breaking my negative patterns only to come to find out that I’ve just dug myself deeper into a hole. It leaves me feeling that there is no hope, that this deep, dark shit will never be fully healed and transformed. And this makes me feel like giving up. Only thing is…I can’t give up. My soul won’t let me.


So, I stay stuck in this half-life state and the Wild Woman within starves and rages in the dark. The destruction She leaves in her wake makes me feel so ashamed that I close back up again and the cycle continues. I don’t want the cycle to continue. So, as John Muir says, “Into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul.”


Wild Woman Vision Quest


In the Venus Alchemy class, we have also been learning about Eris, an asteroid Goddess whose energy is influencing this Venus cycle. Eris is referred to as the Goddess of Discord, and a question that was asked during class was, “What parts of yourself do you judge as too disruptive to the status quo, so you suppress and ignore them? So that again and again, this part shows up and sabotages your life?” My homework for the month included answering this question and finding a “homing thought” to strengthen my energy field so stressful events and negative thoughts from others don’t derail me.

During the Gemini New Moon, near the end of May, I camped with a friend of mine in Mt. Hood National Forest. I had already done two previous quests alone, and was grateful to have a companion this time. Each of the first two times, I was visited by an animal guide the night before departing. The first time, it was a peacock in my backyard, and the second time, I dreamt of a family of water buffalo in my back yard, one of whom walked up to my door and stuck his head inside the house. So, with the date for this third quest set, I waited for my ally to show up. Driving home from work the night before the trip, an owl flew across my path.


“Owl energy can help give you the strength needed to open your eyes and look into the shadows. The world is filled with layers of symbolism and meaning, and the Owl gives you “new” eyes with which to see those. With Owl energy surrounding your soul you can look into the past, present and future with uncanny accuracy.” – from


The next day, we packed up and headed out. Once we arrived at our campsite, my companion and I gathered kindling to light our fire, set up an altar, gave an offering, and made ceremony to set our intention for the quest and open to gifts and messages from the land. Afterwards, as we were sitting near the fire pit, I saw an image of the Goddess clearly visible in one of the trees nearby. We talked into the night, words of insight flowing like the river that could be heard echoing through the air. In the dark, we walked to the water’s edge and basked in starlight.

Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::


The next day, we hiked through the forest and soaked in hot springs. On the way back, the sound of a rather annoying, high-pitched and repetitive bird call got my attention. I looked up to see where it was coming from just in time to witness an owl in flight, wingspan fully outstretched. It landed on a branch, high in the trees, silently watching as the other, more vocal bird flew off in another direction.


It reminded me of an experience I had during the March retreat, when a bird call alerted me to the presence of a tree spirit that I would not have noticed otherwise. The tree’s energy felt to me like that of Saturn, grandfatherly and wise, and the conversation that we had was essential to the experience that was unfolding for me at the time.

Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

Saturn has been hanging out in my first house of Sagittarius for more than two years, crossing over my ascendant, natal moon, Vesta, and Neptune. At first, I thought this was a call to becoming more structured, more stable in who I am. What I have learned through this process is that structure doesn’t always mean rigidity. Saturn has been helping me to rebuild the foundation of my identity into something more fluid, something that is going to serve who I am and what I am truly here to do, which is primarily manifested in the unseen realms of consciousness.

Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

Reflecting on the conversation with Saturn, I realized that my experience of profound expansion at the retreat was mostly positive. It only started to turn negative when I tried to stay attached to my old story, forgetting that I have already moved beyond that in so many ways. When given the opportunity to share in circle, I found myself falling back on those old themes, without thinking. I was trying to filter the enormity of what was happening to me through my limited, old story and my inner Wild Woman/Dark Goddess was like, “Oh, hell no, honey.” And then She took over.

Even so, I was balancing my energy well until I followed an instinct and took a risk that made me feel insecure. I decided to be courageous and speak up rather than let my fear keep me silent, and I wanted to approach the situation softly, with respect. I wanted to be reasonable and considerate. But that meant keeping the part of myself that I see as “too disruptive” on a leash, giving it nowhere to go, no air to breathe. The part that I see as too disruptive is the part that boldly demands what she wants and then bends people to her will. The part that won’t take no for an answer when it comes to being seen, heard, and having her worth recognized by others.


I started fearing that despite my best efforts, my intense energy would override someone else’s boundaries, and that my presence would be seen as disruptive, a disturbance, despite all of the love and respectful consideration I had already brought to the table. This fear boils down to that one old story that my wounded heart and mind clings to so fiercely, which is that if someone gives me what I want, it’s only because I manipulated them to get it.


When this story is activated, a tornado starts spinning in my mind, a mixture of “Oh my God, I’m so lit up about all the possibilities and I’m seeing them play out all at once” and “What if someone calls me out for manipulating things? I better prepare my defense ahead of time so I don’t stutter and look like a fool when the moment comes.” An epic collision of the Cosmos and the Underworld, leading to restless nights and sleep deprivation. I’ve found these highly charged, mystical experiences to be of such great value, but only if I can ground them. All that energy needs to be funneled through my human mind and body in order to be useful in any tangible way, and that container has limitations compared to Spirit. It can only channel so much before its circuits start frying.

And that’s exactly what happened. No longer restrained, my inner Wild Woman/Dark Goddess took the helm, and I quickly lost control of the situation, descending into an Underworld experience, similar to the ones I experienced in 2007 and 2009. I felt like I shouldn’t subject others to my messy, chaotic internal process, especially in shared sacred space, and my anxiety about this further compounded the problem. It became difficult for me to recognize if I was projecting my shadow stuff onto others, or if I was picking up on their unconscious stuff without realizing it. In hindsight, I know it was a little of both. In one case, the other person confirmed that I was indeed acting out, on instinct, what had originated from their thoughts. So, I know that at least some of what I was tapping into and channeling was the Collective Unconscious. It was my shit AND it wasn’t. But I still felt a huge weight of the responsibility for it, believing that I should have tried harder to control it.


I came out of this experience thinking, maybe I shouldn’t do stuff like this. Maybe I need to work solitary or in very small groups with people who I have built up trust with over time. When I’m alone, there is no doubt. No confusion. No wondering if my inner Wild Woman’s hunger is unconsciously draining others or not.


“It is most important for you to learn to integrate your wild woman because an unintegrated wild woman creates self-destructive behavior.” Baba Yaga, from the Goddess Oracle by Amy Sophia Marashinsky


But then I gave it further thought, and realized that it is only in these situations that I see in such magnitude what is within me, both light and dark. It is only by immersing myself into these social situations that I see how far I’ve come. This mystical experience gave me a heavy dose of the kind of medicine I’ve been asking for. A taste of the feeling of cosmic union that I want to tap into, and it happened because I felt I was in a safe space, with safe people, and I was. The only thing that made it feel unsafe was my own shadow stuff.

I was shown how to ground the cosmic energy into my body, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. I was still too attached to the old story of “not being earthy enough.” The Saturn tree encounter was there to show me that I have done the work to make Aries Lunation :: wordmagicart.commyself a container capable of grounding that energy. Now I just have to choose to actually do it. During the final circle, on the last day, I spoke the name of the talis(wo)man I had created during the retreat. But it wasn’t her true name. It was corrupted by the doubt and fear that I was feeling at that time, which was exacerbated by the stress of not knowing how I was going to take care of my responsibility to get myself home safely. I regretted it in the weeks that followed, so I hung her over my altar and waited for her to reveal her rightful name, which is:  She Who Dances in the Dark and Makes Her Own Light.



My Homing Thought


Back to the Vision Quest. When we returned to the campsite after hiking, I gathered a blanket, my journal, and my tarot cards and went to sit at the river’s edge by myself. Since this was happening during the New Moon (in May), I brought my monthly love letter with me, written months earlier near Samhain. I spent that golden hour before sunset being amazed at the messages coming to me through the letter and the cards that I pulled. I threw my head back and laughed out loud, I wept tears of joy, I rocked my body back and forth as I sang my heart out to the river, the mountains, the trees, the Nature spirits.


I let my voice flow from deep in my belly, unconcerned with how I sounded, knowing that the roaring river would create a buffer between me and the rest of the world. Knowing that I was safe to let loose in this private space. Just me, the land, and the Spirit within.

Gemini Lunation: Walking with my Inner Beloved Along the Destination-Less Path, Part 1 ::

As I sat beside the river, I thought about one of the stories in Women Who Run with the Wolves, about stalking the predator, in which she writes: “We dismantle the predator by countering its diatribes with our own nurturant truths. We dismantle the assaults of the natural predator by taking to heart and working with what is truthful in what the predator says and then discarding the rest.” I have been stalking the internal predator for some time, and have wrestled with a few external ones, too. The predator often manifests in my life as people who use a mental strategy to appeal to the part of me that wants to “make sense” and be understood by others, the part that wants another to see me the way I see myself. Held and nurtured by Mother Earth and Father Sky, love for my Self returning now that I’d dedicated the time and space to connect without distraction, my homing thought came to me. A way to return to my center when I’m faced with predators (both inner and outer).


My homing thought, when I feel like I’m being judged and found to be lacking, when I’m afraid of who and what I am and what I’m not but strive to be, is: “I see myself through the eyes of my Beloved.”


What lights my Beloved up is to see me lit up. When I refuse to do what lights me up, I am dishonoring the gift he gives me. I am depriving both of us of my light.  In the story about the Red Shoes, the girl trades her wildness, her freedom, for security and stability. I see resonance with this in my own life. My husband has made me feel comfortable. Almost too comfortable. And I have done the same for him. In our relationship, I am the driving force, the one who takes the initiative, to motivate myself and him to resist stagnation. If I don’t, it becomes very easy for both of us to stay stuck in patterns of behavior that we know don’t serve our deepest, most authentic desires. At times, this responsibility has weighed heavily on me. I have sometimes felt that the only way for me to continue evolving along my soul’s path is to leave him behind, even though this thought breaks my heart. If my husband was an asshole, it would be easier to walk away and let my Wild Woman dance through life on her own terms. To break out of the ruts we’ve allowed ourselves to fall into over the years. But he is kind, gentle, giving, and if I want more than what he can give me, I fear that is asking too much. So, I try to contain my wild nature into a box that fits with the reality that I’ve accepted.


Giving my inner Wild Woman only shreds of what she needs. Until I become numb to what her true needs are.  And then I try to justify by saying, “Look, I’m allowing myself to have/be/do this much of me. Isn’t that enough?” It’s not.

I have come to believe that to maintain the relationships that enhance my life, I have to maintain the role that has come to be expected of me. That if I want to receive “xyz” from others, I have to give “xyz.”  I truly believe that my husband would allow me to be whoever I am and do whatever I need to do to fulfill my needs. But I worry how it would look to others, to take what he gives me without giving back in equal measure. I think sometimes, “Shit, if people knew what this man has been through because of me, they would judge me in the harshest way possible.” But he would be the first to tell anyone that he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So, there must be enough Divine Love in me to make this darkness bearable. There is for me. There is for him. Why the fuck should it matter what anyone else thinks? Especially when concern over what some imagined “they” will think only makes the darkness more formidable.


I started off seeing myself through the eyes of my physical Beloved, and then I took it a step further, and saw myself through the eyes of my own Inner Beloved. My Inner Beloved knows my light and dark even more intimately. As much as I’ve revealed to my devoted husband, there are still pieces of my inner experience that I keep for myself, alone. The deep work I do that nobody ever sees on the surface. That deep work will continue, because that’s part of who I am, but deep doesn’t have to be painful. It’s only painful when I think there’s something wrong with me, something that I need to fix. There will always be excavations to do, and I’m doing them. I just need to get it out of my head, once and for all, that the shadows are evil. Or that their presence within me is a reflection of my worth as a person. It only makes me more resistant to looking at them, and looking at them is essential for my continued evolution/involution. It’s like cleaning my house. It’s not something I do once and then it’s done, complete, never to be needed again. Maintaining the home of my soul is an ongoing process of endings and beginnings, deaths and rebirths, purging and accumulating.


I don’t judge myself when I need to de-clutter my studio on a regular basis and clear the cobwebs. Why would I judge myself for needing to keep shining a light into the dark corners within? Stepping out of my cave into the light of new environments and new experiences is the only way to see where those corners are, so why would I judge myself for those awkward first steps out of the cocoon?


My inner Beloved sees who I am and all I’ve created, and all I’ve yet to create. My inner Beloved knows what I’ve destroyed and why, and loves me every step of the way.  The predator within says: “You fucked up, again. You should be ashamed of yourself and hide away.” My inner beloved says, “Everything is part of your enlightenment. You are Love incarnate, so everything you do comes from a place of love, even when it appears otherwise.” He knows that I am all of the things–manipulative, cruel, needy, standoffish, independent, warm, open, inspiring, generous–and he loves me. When I see myself through his eyes, I love me, too.

To be continued in Part 2


  1. Ah… Amy… You have no idea how incredible you are!

    • Thank you, sweet heart. I appreciate your words. <3

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